Broken [Belle x Gold]

Friends. It was a word that stepped onto the broken pieces of his heart and crushed them even more. However, this would mean that he at least had a chance with her. He could force her away from her fiancé, he could easily get rid of the man. But… he was trying to be a good man, because that was how he would truly win her heart over. If he did something evil she would never forgive him and her heart would be farther than ever to reach. It was here. She loved him. She said so herself. He just needed to show her he was better than her fiancé, he needed to show her he would be there for her when she needed him and that he would be the man she wanted him to be, and let her have the freedom she wanted.

When she reached out to touch his cheek, it took all the control he had to not just close his eyes and savor the touch. It was torture, all of this, but in the end, it would pay off, or it would sink. And at least he would have been able to spend as much time as he could with her and while he wanted more, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to hug her, he wanted, well to do several things to her, but he couldn’t. He had to control himself, and when it came to control Rumple was weak. He continued to smile sadly, because he was happy to be with her, for her to be alive, yet sad he could do nothing that he really wanted to do, sad that she… she didn’t want to be with him.

“Belle, I…” Rumple trailed off thinking about the time he beat Moe in his cabin before Emma stopped him. At the time he thought that it was Moe’s fault she was dead, how he locked her up and caused her so much pain, so much so she threw herself off the tower. And of course, he had the gall to steal from him. All he really wanted back was the cup, and to, well, teach a lesson that no one stole from the Dark One. Unless they were the lucky bastard known as Robin Hood. “I don’t think Moe would like to see me.” And the fact it was to pick up flowers for a wedding that he was going to try hard not to let happen… well, there was no point in picking up flowers she wouldn’t ever actually use, right? “However, if you… wouldn’t mind the glares, I-I wouldn't mind.”

Rumple softly chuckled to himself when Belle had called his assumption of glares preposterous, even though he knew she was just joking. Glares would probably be the least of their worries. On second thought, this was probably a terrible idea. He’d cause her more problems and that wouldn’t be on the way to getting her ‘back’. Back didn’t really work seeing as he never really had her in the first place. It was still terribly difficult, this whole situation.

Truthfully, as soon as he was alone, he was probably going to start breaking things and collapse, maybe cry and just release all these bottled up feelings he had to hold inside of himself while around Belle. Moe would just be the straw that broke the camel’s back, he was sure. It started out a fantastic day, progress so he could almost see it happening, him finding his son again, but the instant he saw Belle, and she told him about her engagement… it turned into a terrible day. He tried not to show any of it on his face, though it was still in the back of his mind to at least threaten Regina with murder for everything that she had done to Belle, and how it was her fault, her fault that she was in this position, that they were in this position.

He walked with her at her side, his eyes occasionally wandering over to her, dropping to her hand and thinking how much he just wanted to reach out and hold it, but he couldn’t. When they reached Game of Thorns, Belle took the note on the door and ripped it up. There was probably something about him on it she didn’t want him to see, Gold thought to himself, but it wasn’t like he had to think too hard to think of what Moe might say. Something about how he was a monster, or how she couldn’t go to see him because he would just trap her again. Or something even worse. There was a lot, but it wasn’t like he cared too much what Moe had to say about him. He had heard it all, and while it didn’t not affect him, it wasn’t like he already told himself those things all the time, and he was good at hiding those effects.

“I see,” Gold said, allowing her to enter first and following her from behind, trying not to let his eyes wander at all. “When is the, ah, wedding?” At least then he would know how long her had before he lost her forever to this other guy, the time limit that he had to work in. He looked around at the shop as he talked, keeping his eyes off of Belle for the longest time since he had seen her for the first time here.

Two months. Two months was his limit. And he had to deal with finding his son. And he had to deal with the town going insane due to Emma breaking the curse. This would be easy. So easy. Yes, he was going to kill Regina. He decided it. However, despite the fact they were in the flower shop, she seemed to be frustrated for some reason, and he didn’t understand why. She’d made it clear earlier that… no, he had to just move on and try to make that feeling she was feeling different, that she would want to be with him more than she wanted to be with this fiancé. And if worst came to worst, he could always arrange to have this fiancé ‘taken care of’ and he wouldn’t have any idea what happened to him, as he would pay nicely so he didn’t have to lie… Except that wasn’t what Belle would want him to do. But he couldn’t just sit back and do nothing and accept this situation, he loved her so much, he wanted to be with her, he wanted her to be his, he wanted him to be hers. And he couldn’t help but hate this fiancé he hadn’t even met yet.

It didn’t help that when she stopped on the roses she commented on how they ‘would’ve’ been their flowers. He wanted so badly to say ‘they could still be our flowers’, but that would probably just make her angry. Then again, that didn’t stop him many other times from doing what he wanted in the past. He was trying, and that was what mattered. “I remember when I gave you a rose. An old lady was selling roses and I bought you one,” He was totally living by that lie and was probably never going to tell her that her ex-fiancé, Gaston, was that flower, which she preceded to cut and display. “You looked so happy. And… I was happy too.” Gold smiled looking up at her, now standing next to her, this time a bitter-sweet sort of smile instead of the sad one he was displaying earlier. “I told you about my son that day and sent you into town. I was afraid… because I was so happy just seeing you smile. I hadn’t felt like that for a long time.” His voice went quiet and looked down at the roses and stared at them for a moment, that sad smile returning.

Rumple didn’t look away from the roses at all, continuing to stare at them as he thought about his son and the setback that the town line presented him. How much he wanted to see his boy again and tell him he loved him and he was sorry. He wanted to make a new beginning for the two of them, but he didn’t know what had happened over the last few centuries, he wasn’t there for his boy. He wasn’t there to see him grow up, but with magic maybe he could turn back time and make things right, but he didn’t know how things were to turn out, he just knew he would see his son again, somewhere out there and he was so close he could almost taste it.

“Yes, he’s… here somewhere in this world,” Rumple said quietly, the memories causing him to grow a larger, though still just as sad, of a smile. “However, I can’t go find him yet, until I figure out to leave without losing my memories.” Rumple looked at the ground for a moment and looked up his smile falling into a slight frown. “You can’t help me. I have to do this on my own. I have to find him and tell him…” Gold turned towards Belle and smiled a small warm sort of smile. “I want to tell him that I’m sorry and that I love him. I… don’t think he’ll feel the same. He still hates him, I’m sure. I’ve spent all this time looking for him that I don’t… I don’t really know what I’ll do when I finally do find him.” Rumple looked away again, towards the roses, the looked around the shop.

“Anyways, your flowers, right?” Gold said trying to change the subject, feeling weak for admitting such a thing, a thing he’d kept hidden from everyone until just now, “Do you see anything you like?”

Well that didn’t work. She wasn’t distracted by his question, so obviously he would have to talk more about it, even if it hurt to think about his boy and just how much he wanted to see him again. Everything he’d done had been for his boy, except that one moment when he let him go. It was sad, and he had regretted it for centuries. He’d become just like his own father, and he had tried so hard not to be like that man. Yet, he could escape fate. He couldn’t escape the fact he was his father’s son, and that cowardly bit of him made him abandon his boy. He wanted to be brave, but he couldn’t, not without power, because otherwise, he would be too afraid of losing, of dying.

“My boy took so much after his mother. He was always brave and kind. He just wanted me to go back to being… me after I became the Dark One. But that me couldn’t protect him, that me couldn’t protect his mother, that me would have lost everything without this me. But this me… well I lost everything anyways, didn’t I? My wife, my son,” He looked into her eyes, letting the last part of ‘you’ stay silent. “I have to correct my mistakes myself. And now that magic is back, I’ll find a way to cross the line without forgetting and I’ll find him. I’ll find him eventually, even if it means I die in the process. I’ll find him. I know it.”

What chance did he have with his son, when Belle wouldn’t even accept him? He basically abandoned her believing she was dead, and Baelfire had been gone a lot longer, and those feelings of abandonment would have festered. What if Bae found someone else to be like a father? What if he only found a grave? What if his son had simply died and he would find the grave and maybe some relatives that survived through time? What if he had missed his chance to truly tell him he was sorry? What if Bae had died thinking that he didn’t love him enough to be here with him? It was a scary thought and it made him so very sad.

He felt her wrap her arms around him and he closed his eyes, slowly hugging her back. He stared at the wall behind her the weight of everything showing on his face now as he needn’t keep on that mask of strength. And while he probably looked pitiful, he was sure, before, now even more so. He took in a deep breath, inhaling her scent as he did, feeling more at peace as she held him in her arms, almost feeling like everything would turn out alright and he needn’t stress so much, just bits of his stress slowly being lifted off of his shoulders.

“I don’t want to lose you again,” Rumple said quietly, remembering that day when Regina had come into his castle and lied to him about Belle being dead. He remembered how sad he was, how upset he was, how he cried for the first time in a long time because he believed her dead. How he wished he could have a second chance with her as he would try to have with his son, to tell her that he loved her. But the second chance wasn’t what he thought it would be, and it was almost worse than her dying, believing that she could have possibly loved him, instead of standing here believing that their chances of ending up together were not a hundred percent. And when things were not a hundred percent, he had always lost in the past. He had to have this locked in if he were to ever get her back, and being a good man was the only way. He just wasn’t good at being a good man and he was sure he would slip up.

He wanted to stay like this forever, if they could, he would be happy, just being here, next to her, in contact, hugging. Feeling her warmth after a long time of living without her, it was like when someone left home for a few weeks and finally returned home to their own bed. Before he had just gone along, he didn’t really treasure her presence as he knew she had to be there because of their deal. Not that he didn’t enjoy it, but it wasn’t like he had to be worried about losing it as he did now.

He cracked a sad smile and moved away from her ever so slightly, so he look at her face, look into her eyes, one hand leaving her, and moving up to cup her cheek if she allowed such an action on his part. He wiped away the baby tears that hadn’t fallen from her eyes yet, staring into those beautiful blue eyes, his other arm still around her. He chuckled quietly. “He’s still in here. The curse changed me, though I’ve really been like this underneath it all. This… is the man beneath the beast. But he’s still a monster.” This whole situation was messed up, and it made Gold a little bit of a mess around Belle right now, though when he were to be around others, that confidence, that snark, it would all come back. “And I’ll always be a monster, despite what you may hope.”

Loneliness was something that Rumple would think he would get used to, but he never did. He always craved to be loved. He was abandoned by his father, his wife, Cora, and had left his son all alone. He’d lost Belle, and now he felt like he was losing her again. He hated being alone, and yet it seemed he was cursed to be so, and that wasn’t even the Dark One’s Curse’s fault, it was just him. He’d lost his father and his wife even before he became the Dark One. And he would have lost his son regardless if he hadn’t the curse. While his son had to spend these years without him, he had been alive, not sent off to that war to die, and they could at least try to make amends now.

“No, Belle, it was not your fault. I told you to leave. I was scared,” Rumple said quickly in response to her apology, “I still am. Why do you think I brought back magic? Because I need it, it’s a crutch. Just as much as this cane. It was not your fault. I should not have believed Regina when she told me… told me that you were dead. How could I trust her? I should have known. Instead I just went on, because I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t stop to question it; all I could do was move forward to try to find my son.”